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Thursday, November 11th, 2004
5:38 pm - Take me as i am
Everything's sunny at the moment. The clouds form outside and for once in my life I don't care.
School's finished and i'm looking forward to Newtown Performing Arts next year. The change will be good. I now finally understand that hinden message that many try to solve. When the next battle begins i'll fight but for now i'm happy to just enjoy each passing day.
Love you all
Take care
Amy

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Saturday, August 28th, 2004
4:42 pm - Dancing Queen
Tahnee i still haven't got over the fact that you said i get sympathy marks. It keeps going round in my head. lol. I think it's quite funny, maybe i do. My friend and i dressed up as hard-core abba fans today and we went walking around parramatta in all our glorious pink sparkles, and wigs. It was very amusing. Anyways must get back to the nasty geography assignment.
Take care
Amy

current mood: amused

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Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
8:50 am - ..but i'm in the band!
I got a detention today :(
Mr Lucas was more grumpy than usual,
He most likely isn't getting any sex at home, (besides the dog)
I'm not ment to get detentions!!! i'm in the band!
Hope all your lives are more captivating than mine at the moment.
Amy

current mood: cynical

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Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
6:50 am - .....sleep....
Hello boys and girls,
Hope your all doing fantastically. I'm wonderful as always. I took half the day off today because i was sick *winks* My mum and my brothers went to bali today so i'm staying with my dad for 2 weeks. It shall be fun. So if you want to contact me my number here is 95236481. I currently have no mobile phone but when i do inform you all. I'm going to sleep now because i can and i'm going to drop dead anytime now. Love u all.
Amy

current mood: sleepy

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Saturday, July 31st, 2004
1:52 pm
I landed in a heap against the wall. Reality already gone, fighting for my journey. To live, breathe was once beautiful. A black lining surrounded my being as two eyes pierced the darkness. A whaling sound echoed, eliminating every ounce of comfort. Visions of death crept into my skin as childhood memories slipped through my fingers. The rain smothered me.
Black teeth pierced blood between my neck. Heavy breaths sent toxic vapours through my unconscious body. One second of insanity was enough to push the edge of time.

I cannot forget which emotion fuelled my being. Sensing my mutilation I tried to change. Accepting the change was a different matter, one which I never quite grasped. Soft beats came alive as I drowned. Spiralling down to deeper depths each time.

Saturday morning woke and with it my human body. I could never remember anything from the night before but everywhere I looked a young pale girl was staring back at me. Her angelic appearance almost frightening.

*****************************

I'm accepted at Newtown School of Performing Arts for music. If i go is yet another question which i avoid.

*****************************
Take care everyone, sorry for my laziness
Amy

current mood: drained

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Monday, May 17th, 2004
4:49 pm - Orange Juice
Hey everyone haven't updated since january lol. Anyway hope your all well.
I have been okay i guess on and off. Still feel weird but i'm getting use to it. Going to concert in rockdale on saturday. Torettes, vulture and Dead Inside the Crystalist (think thats how u spell it) will be performing so it should be good.

I decided for years 11 and 12 it will be too hard to get to woolooware from where i am living now (erskineville) so i am trying out for Newtown School of Performing arts cause it's my local school. I will miss everyone if i get in. *sobs* Oh well, life moves on. (very slowly)

I turn 15 in 9 days. About time it happened, i've had to wait for ages. 15 years infact. Going into Riv. again this week so all you ex-patients please do come in and sorry about last week i wasn't my-self. I will be more social (bilbo). And more loud (jess).

Have an interview tomorrow at Newtown then a stupid geography excersion at cronulla. I mean who in there right mind would want to become a geography teacher! Or a teacher for that matter, (sorry if you do).

I must go and pour myself some orange juice cause i have a craving for it if thats possible so take care and i miss you all.
Till next time.

current mood: awake

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Friday, January 9th, 2004
11:59 am
In a nutshell this is what's happening.....
* Moving out is harder than i thourght
* mum has taken every cent i have to my name which was $3,000
* Been listening to a new sort of jazz heavy/rock... ? very catchy
* I'm trying to find a new house (stable environment).
* I miss my music.... Mum took my instruments away because i'm not living with her... she's claiming they're hers :(
* I don't know what's happening... lot's of confusion
* I'm making sure i still manage everything.
* I'm taking control of my life

Look forward to catching up with you guys...
Amy

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Friday, December 26th, 2003
2:58 pm
Hope everyone had a wonderful christmas....
I'm trying to get Katey Lewis's number do anyone of you guys that know her have it... could you please msg it to me
0421232010 (my number)
thanks

Might be going to Newtown tomorrow with my cousin..
It shall be fun.
Take care
Amy

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
3:06 pm - why is everything numb?
I don't know what's happening....
I don't want to know what's happening...
DOCS say i'm too young....
The environment i'm in is killing me slowly....
I can only believe what i can feel?
What do i feel?
What do i want?
Home destroys what little happiness i have left....
I know what i need...
I'm not going back...
I don't care.

current mood: distressed

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Sunday, December 21st, 2003
9:46 am
The floor sways and heads fall. Damage from forsaken lies that until now left untold. Souls creep deeper into ones flesh, trapt from the magical chains that can never be broken. Fightened, afraid and scared i wait from someone to break the walls of power. Interlocking words i try to retell, no-one hears the riddles that escape my mouth. For the riddles hold the key to unlock an unforgetable past. Try speak english i'm told. I don't know how to, is my reply. So i sit and wait in my chamber. Here is the only comfort. My chamber holds everything i want. A piano to ease the pain of my delusional exsistance and myself. Alas, sometimes the best company i can create is my own, for it alone will understand the wisps that creep from my throat and feel my scaly skin and know what it wants/needs but can't have. Death seems when time is eternal. Wondering the dark halls of my very own evictions. Feeling what i want to feel. Nothing, Numbness. Running from every sense of emotion. Leaping the ropes that keep me bound to senses. Trying to reach the substance that will protray my dreams. An empty chamber with a piano and me.

***********************************************

I'm moving out of home. My parents are giving me hell but i am. DOCS have been notified and are speeding things up... I'm staying at my aunties place in the mean time. Everythings so hard because i'm only 14.

Hope you guys are well...
Take care.
Amy

current mood: anxious

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Saturday, December 6th, 2003
6:54 pm - Thanks
Corrupted images embraced my eyes triggering change within the center. Feeling my way through what was left, what was slipping through my very fingers. Weak I was, desperate, seeking answers. Control was everything. It’s importance a blinding force. Oblivious to the importance of what was in front of me. Aware of others everyday normal actions, driving me to question why? How?

Compelled to stop any serious problems I couldn’t let anything slide. If I could prevent then I would. Later I’d think what more could I have done. I should have done more. Getting angry with myself. Feeling the tension, aggravation, annoyance.

Unable to find the source I blamed myself for everything, building towers on sand and preparing, bracing myself to pick up the weights when they pelted back to it’s origins. Drawing my blood resurrected the typical system sequence. Deterioration was inevitable.

Uncertainty, confusion flowed through the fibers in my hollow body. Unexpectedly, my surroundings, the environment and mankind were replaced. The tempo changed. I created the measurements. I allocated the rhythm. Still I was still falling into old patterns, trying to resist made them twice stronger time around. The problems still made me ache, sending shudders through my body, twisting all sense and logic from my control. I ran. Running only made me realize I was a prisoner trapped by something I created.

Emotions came and departed. Some remaining longer than others. Intensity was always and issue. Still some linger and will live within me forever. I learnt to let go of everything to enjoy the simplicity of one act/game. To shut the door and be free. I unfastened the lock, unsealed the chains encircling my body. Slowly I exposed my self.

This act alone felt like a milestone and was nurtured. There was nothing to be afraid of, no one to abuse/manipulate what I had. I relaxed and things grew somewhat easier… I felt content. Attachment was beautiful, the security of something powerful to pull me from the ground if sunken to deep. You were my security along with my trust. Rivendell was my vitality.

Thank-you for all your help, your support, kindness and understandment. To find friends or people who understand is rare and I’ll never forget what came to pass. You’ll always be somewhere in my mind. This is what I’ve always wanted, now it’s gone things grow harder yet new methods are ingrained, etched into my brain.

Rivendell made me realize I have options, choices. It’s whether or not I make the decision to pursue them that lies in my hands. Thanks once again for safeguarding my journey back onto the long road.

But there's always another hitch and slowly i deteriorate yet again .... why?

current mood: numb

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Monday, November 17th, 2003
6:40 pm - The Law of Patterns
I've been pretty slack lately with updating my journal and other things. Basically to put it bluntly i've been slack in every aspect of my life. Lately i've been seeking alot of space and isolation from other people. I've emersed myself in my music and drawing. I'd have to say i've progressed the most in the drums and guitar. Hopefully mum will buy me new skins for my drum kit cause the ones on there now suck big time. I also broke the drum sticks today as well so it would be a good investment if i bought some new (more stronger) ones.

I'm leaving Rivendell next week and i'll be a school and home full time. This really sucks. My shrinks don't understand.... you don't know how much i'd pay for someone to understand. That word is so beautiful if true. In reality though understandment by most is miniscule and if you manage to find someone they have their own problems to understand. If you don't understand your own problems then how are others ment to.
That's my philosophy anyway but there are the rare few that do understand even if you don't let on.

"Any habit or pattern
whether we call it 'good' or 'bad',
despite our best intentions
tends to reassert itself over time
unless we break that pattern
by doing something different."

"The events of childhood do not pass
but repeat themselves like seasons of the year"

- ELEANOR FARJEON -

We humans have the power of spontaneous action, doing old things in new ways, changing and restructing our lives and our behaviour. Yet resistance limits this possibility; this resistance is based upon our most fundamental physical and psychological structures, connected to the larger universeand to the ways we learn and adapt to our environment when young. Our tendancy to form patterns has survival value. As we grow older we reuse our old patterning in new ways. The normal patterns we use in everyday life are no worry for concern but if we consciously do something different we might feel strange or out of step.

Patterns we concider dysfunctional, negative or destructive - the patterns we wish to change are often harder to break. We can't just say no i wont do it anymore and keep our guard up because realistically the guard will fall leaving us vunerable to start that same habbit/ pattern again. Any pattern tends to repeat itself until we closely examine what's going on and intervene and break it. Therefore to break the pattern you have to do something different to break the cycle and habit.

Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I've done it hundreds of times.
- MARK TWAIN -

I've rambled on enough today but there's one thing i'm trying to figure out....
HOW DO YOU DROWN A FISH!!!!!
Jessi i will find a way and get back to you on that one......

25 days till POWDERFINGER concert!!!!!!

Take care everyone
Amy

current mood: enthralled

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Sunday, September 28th, 2003
10:58 am
Two weeks at home. I wonder how long things will stay calm? I did a test the other day. Gerry created it. Because it's hard for me to tell how i am... this tells me. It's the most accurate thing i've ever done... Here is my results:

Needs Improvement - very low/ below average
Effective Functioning - low average/ average/ high average
Enhanced Abilities - above average/ superior

PERSONAL POWER (your personal power) - 82 (above average)
Self esteem (A positive acceptance and regard for yourself) - 60 (low average)
Assertiveness (standing up for yourself appropriately) - 65 (low average)
Independence (being self reliant and less emotionally dependant on others) - 90 (superior)
Conscientiousness (Dependabilitly and reliability of task completior)- 70 (average)

EMOTIONAL AWARENESS (Awareness and clarity of your own emotions and understanding of others emotions) - 48 (very low)
Emotional literacy (clarity and expression of your own thourghts and feelings about issues) - 27 (very low)
Empathy (appreciating and understanding others feelings) - 74 (high average)
Social skills (social conformity, awareness and relating with others) - 80 (above average)
Social conformity (conforming to social expectations) - 94 (superior)
Social Awareness (understanding social cues, norms and situations) - 94 (superior)
Relating with others (establishing, maintaining satisfying relationships) - 75 (high average)
Stress tolerance (daliy emotional stress, strain tolerance and control) - 85 (above average)
Emotional control (Reactivity and control of emotions) - 75 (high average)
Impulse control (controling emotions, impulses and urges) - 92 (superior)

RESOLVING PROBLEMS (managing problems) - 50 (below average)
Problem solving (systematically generating effective solutions to personl or social problems) - 56 (below average)
Flexibility (openness to, coping with and adapting to change) - 50 (below average)
Contentment (being positive, happy and optimistic in yourself and about life) - 37 (very low)
Happiness (Being content with yourself others and your life) - 37 (very low)
Positive thinking (positive thinking and hopeful expectations when things are difficult) - 53 (below average)

TOTAL PERSONAL PERFORMANCE - 70 (average)


Because i have a low emotional awreness and literacy and it's being abuse i seek space and isolation within my music because it's the only thing i relate to easily. Therefore my problem solving is absolutely nill. My social awareness is razor sharp therefor i know whats going on around me but when it comes to making decisions on the outside i know what to do but inside there is too much inclarity. So i must clarify my thourghts and feelings. By being hesitant and letting my mum see my emotions i'm giving her power to clamp down on me and control me so i have to get rid of the power wall and realise it's not there that's what im doing.. i'm going straight though it.

Amy

current mood: angry

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Sunday, September 21st, 2003
8:02 am - Why?
Why do things have to be so confusing?
Why did Dani have to leave?
Why did Bilbo have to leave?
Why does Jess have to be so sad?
Why doesn't my mum repect me?
Why can't i sort out my problems by myself?
Why is there so much pain underneath my skin?
Why did i have to be born?
Why am i angery?
Why do i want her dead?
Why can't i see myself?
Why can't i be my hands?
Why can't i be happy?
Why does my mum use and abuse me?
Why can't i harm myself?
Why is it wrong?
Why do people judge others?
Why does one have to conform?
Why does one conform?
Why is black so appealing?
Why does music make me float as if im not in this world?
Why do i see patterns?
Why do i like seeing patterns?
Why can't people leave me alone?
Why do people have to be so shallow?
Why do things have to be impossible to reach?
Why am i holding onto something that's not there?
Why don't i let go?
Why bother continue when things are geeting worse?
Why do my shrinks think i'm getting better when i know i'm getting wores?
Why can't they see my pain?
Why is it that only a few can see my pain?
Why do i act like i'm okay around other?
Why does this give the impression that i'm okay?
Why do i where a mask?
Why are there no answers to my questions?
Why do i want to move out?
Why can't i handle home?
Why can't i be okay?
Why am i not okay?
Why so many questions?



WHY CAN'T I CRY? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry? Why can't i cry?



WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Amy

current mood: numb

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Saturday, September 20th, 2003
11:58 am - It's time when i feel myself open up......
I find i'm a person who needs very little, but that doesn't mean i don't need anything. i feel almost imprisioned in my own house, cause i am. I mean all i ask for is

*Privacy
*to be respected and treated fairly
* No mulnipulative bullshit.

Everyone normally does that anyway but i don't seem to get it at home. I never have got it and i thourght that was normal. But coming to Rivendell has proved me wrong. I shouldn't have to put up with this crap that i call everyday life. Who should?

I think i have very high tolerance levels but certain things tick me off. My mum is a classic example. Where does she have the right to tell me that i'm breaking up the family. That i'm also destroying her life. That she should have never had me in the first place. Then cry infront of me and tell me that it's all my fault for what has happened. then tell me that i'm using her

That would make anyone feel like shit, being degraded by your own mother. You no what mum i don't care anymore..... because i have a mind of my own and i can think for myself. It's almost like you don't want me to improve, i bet you like coming to all my councilling sessions just to tell them what a good mum you really are... If you are so good then why am i like this? Why do i spend most of my time alone crying? Why don't you see that? Why do i cut myself to pieces? You don't know? Why do i run away? Because you're there? Why don't i want to live? Because you want me to suffer!

You can't handle that i might be right and you're not. You can't handle that. you've been competing with me my whole life. You've belted me when i didn't get all A's in my report. When i got angry you cut me off. When i was showing some sign of happiness you took it away.

MUM JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT HAPPY DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO DRAG ME DOWN WITH YOU!!! IT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T BE HAPPY AS WELL!!! I NEVER THOURGHT I'D SAY THIS BUT MUM I'M STARTING TO DISLIKE YOU!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

I'm crying now. Maybe one day i'll end everything... but there is one thing thats keeping me alaive this very moment.... my heart... so i'll be here till it's broken

current mood: distressed

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Sunday, August 31st, 2003
9:53 am
i haven't done this for ages..... so much has happened yet there is so much i want to forget. It seems like 2 years since i updated but it's more like two months. Anyway i'm intergrating back to school in two weeks... school isn't the difficult part but it's intergrating back into home that i'm worried about. One i can just stand the weekends praying for them to go faster to get back to Rivendell on monday. One positive thing thats happened is that i've become fit and i feel more physically inclined to do things.

The other night i found out a whole lot of shit about my family. Everyone thinks my family is so tight. But it's an act for others so they can see how nice they are.

My mum is a control freak. She is like a carbon copy of grandma. Her priorities are screwed and deserved to be burnt. No matter how much i give she wants more. Cause i'm so young and i can't do anything i'm just going to play the game until i'm old enough.

I hope everyone is as well as they can be.
Amy

*Having depression is okay as long as you beat it in the first two years and not keep it for 10 - Antonio (drum teacher at rivendell)*

current mood: awake

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Thursday, July 17th, 2003
11:23 am - Without you i'm Nothing
Don't expect this piece of wrighting to hold any answers to your questions or problems. Cause i haven't found one to my own yet so how can my advice help anyone? Though suprisingly my advice seems to help everyone but myself.

This isn't anything special just bits and pieces that you can put together anyway you fancy, because maybe this can become yours as much as it might be mine.

**************************************

...This doorbell is ringing from somewhere. I swear it's real but yet it might not be. It doesn't matter, the fact is that i can still hear it, ringing in my head. I carefully don my cap. Suddenly all sound diminishes to a faint echo. But why is this? How can it be? Does everyone have this or is it just me?

Everything i do seems to revolove around questions, like there has to be a reason for my actions. Without my knowledge my mind trys like hell to rid my mind of these questions. Bt doing this i rely on instincts. These things we call instincts aren't always something we can trust.

My instincts seem to leave me stranded or led astray in the opposite diection. Personally i don't think they do, but from a second opinion they are extremely wrong. But why are they wrong? They're not, they're just different.

These differences revolve around and around until someone understands then some start to sort out. I'm lost already in this piece of writing. It's just confusing , even for an intelligent mind.

What is an intelligent mind?
Intelligence - intellectual understanting, quickness of understanding, rational being.

What is rational?
Rational - Endowed with reason, reasoning; sensible, sane, moderate, not foolish or absurd or extreme, rejecting what is unreasonable.

This is where i fall. I am endowed with more reasoning than i need but i don't always use it wisely. That's what i'm told. I would like to argue differently but i never seem to. Why is that? Why wont i push forward what i think is right? Everyones opinions are unique, neither do they have to add up.

An unreasonable act in "others" eyes is my ........... I don't find this unreasonable, this act alone helps me cope with my visions in this delusional world of mine. A sense of surging power runs through my body and takes over. I feel like nothing or anything can penertrate my walls. At the same time though a sense of emense fear and anger is taking over. These to emotions alone are blinding, put together they are the strongest force on the face of this earth. Suprisingly i feel no physical pain. The reason i'm blinded by emotional and mental pain.

I can cope with the physical pain i just tell myself not to feel it and i don't. Alas, i can't cope with the burden of all this excess emotional pain. Maybe i deserve it, yes that's it, i deserve it. But does anyone really deserve to be blinded by pain, anger, fear and confusion?

What have i done to deserve this? No-one in their right mind would want it. But maybe i did want it. Maybe i asked for it and it was given to me?

current mood: depressed

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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
9:40 am - ....Why?....
Yesterday the best piece of advice was given to me.
"Don't fight for your freedom but take it and use it wisely.
This made me realise that i don't have to fight or argue about it. All the excess fighting and screaming is not nessersary.

I still sit and wonder why? But i have realised that will get me nowhere. My anger is very fustrating, whenever someone wants to get close to me i push them away and turn my anger on them till there gone or broken. I think thats why i feel so alone? The fact that i wont let anyone in and the few that i have are either gone away or not here anymore. Not many people understand this because they don't want to they think it's bullshit.

Lisa was an exception. I pushed her away but she came closer. Finally i let her in. She wanted someting that i couldn't give her at the time though. Our friendship stayed the same till eventually i started pushing her away like i do with everybody eles. I left it all behind to save myself... but what did i save myself from? It's not her age, i don't give a fuck. It's my rage.

I'm always falling down to the floor. It's getting softer and softer. I wonder if there are any more changes left for me. Why when you thourght everything was getting better the tide seems to turn and everything gets worse?

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Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
3:43 am
hurry up code

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Monday, June 30th, 2003
4:02 pm
dooboe

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